Day XXXX

It's been like two weeks, and looking at the archives, about a months worth of "nothings changing, i keep forgetting to post, blah blah blah".

So it turns out while algebra is easy, it's even easier to avoid algebra all together.

I got yelled at tonight, for getting angry at being told I need to lose weight. I know the yelling is from frustration of a decade of me doing nothing to lose weight, but yelling at me and telling me the same things I know isn't motivating.

Instead, in some sort of juvenile rebellious attempt, that really is just an excuse, I demotivate myself, get into my own head and focus on the anger instead of making changes.

The apex or the trench of this journey is that I need this problem to be made my own. I need to grab it, and for no other reason than myself, make it happen. And I can't do it, its not easy, so I give up or wait till tomorrow.

The next day.
The next day.
The next day.
The next day.
The next day.
and The next day never comes.

Days 31-37: The Slide

Reboot.

Not really, I actually thought it had been longer since I posted. Regardless, I came to a conclusion tonight, as I forced myself to walk on our treadmill for 30 min, for the first time.

I realized there's no risk anymore. There is no risk in attempting the goal of losing weight and getting healthier. I can't fail anymore than I already have. I can't feel any worse about the small failures that come with weight loss. I can't lose by trying.

I can only continue patterns. I finally see mine more clearly tonight. Starting sometime, years and years ago. the pattern began. I get frustrated with the limitations of my weight. The physical problems for anything more than a basic task. The lack of confidence, the skittish anxiety of going out and being social. These all add up, and I decide "today's the day". I go through the motions, I start walking, I set up a contract to lose weight, I start a blog, all attempts to motivate. The days set in, and the stress mounts, from many parts of life. I seize on this, and "take a break" or "relax the standards I set" and the slide begins. I fudge on exercising, I have another soda. I have an extra piece of toast/butter. I munch late at night when no ones around. I justify the next day will reverse the changes. The slide continues. I reach a point of acceptance, and revert to old habits. Never huge 12 egg breakfasts or two biggie sized combos. But the sedentary lifestyle, the snacking, the breads, the mini treats, the fast foods. And once acceptance is reached; I shift down (or up?) another tier. I've gained 12 pounds. And the pounds will stick.

The plateau after the slide, ironically, is where I'm not trying to lose weight specifically, or ignoring my problems. I consistently weigh the same, and will continue to do so until the next cycle, and another slide hits. The "slide of shame" if you like terrible alliterative phrases that sell self-help books and DVDs.

I finally recognized the slide as the contributing factor, as much as the plateau. I finally saw, and I think the blog is actually what did it. I've weighed nearly the same for over a month, with 1-2 pound fluctuations. I stopped writing here, I began to have another soda, or two or three, I ate pizza and requested fast food. I started to have extra meals, or have a meal, then grab something else to munch on... right after I ate. I started to eat after most everyone was asleep, I started to not care whether I had hit the artificial 300 pound mark. All in the last week.

The self-indulged elegance of losing one-third of myself IS an artificial cap, because the caps don't matter. It's the choices I intend to make. If I was truly ready to make them at 250 pounds, I would have.

I believe that while nothing is "going how I'd like it" right now; I have something to pursue with no excuses. I can lose weight because I have complete control over gaining weight. There is no medical reason, no financial reason, no "barrier of entry" to get past, no person not recognizing some talent I have. It's all me. It's all what I eat, when I eat it, and how much I move.

The equation is simple, controllable, and well within my grasp.

I just have to solve for x, and basic algebra is pretty easy.

Current weight: 299.6 pounds

Day 26, 27, 28, 29, 30

Whew, almost a week and no post. I'm sick as of now, and headed into work. I'll post again sometime this weekend.

Current Weight: Unknown

Day 23, 24, 25

We bought a treadmill years ago, and in one of my many flights of fancy I'd said I'd use it all the time. HAH.

It lay dormant for quite awhile, and now has be resurrected. We got it fixed/tuned up.But the cruel sisters of fate intervened and stuck a knife into my back. Maybe irony? The weight limit is 250 pounds.... and I weight 298. The person who needs it most, technically shouldn't use it.

We're disregarding the manual's "precious rules", and figure average walking speed shouldn't hurt the machine too much.

There's not much excuse now, a way to exercise privately, is literally 4 feet from the TV.

The only other news to report is that my place of work is a breeding ground for 24-48 hour colds. Everyone has to touch everything, its tough to disinfect electronics, and its not a job you can call in sick for unless you're deathly ill. The same colds just get passed around for weeks... I'm thinking a healthier body might help me fend off the invaders, here's hoping for that.

Current Weight: 298 pounds (no shoes, normal clothes, early evening)

Day 20, 21, 22

Here we are, I don't have much to write on. And that is just another motivation to actually do something. It's kind of shameful to write posts like this. I haven't made changes, at all, I'm still the same weight. I just ... have nothing.

My friend suggested awhile back that the surefire weight loss technique is to get an exotic disease and in a few weeks, bam. Just have to survive it. As tempting as that is... I just have to find a way to get exercise in that doesn't feel like... exercise. Or find a way to put more importance on it. Down the road that would be heart problems, or diabetes, but I'm trying to avoid that.

I can't internalize those motivators, even when I know all the facts. A sad state of affairs. This is where the site readers would jump up and say "you can do it" or "suck it up", but if you're out there, I don't hear it.

Current Weight: 299 pounds (shirt/jeans, no shoes, late evening)

Day 15, 16, 17, 18, 19

Wow, I meant to post twice during the last 5 days, but people in town, stuff to do.
I'm posting in the middle of the night... at work.

So Thanksgiving went like a normal one, I ate slightly too much, but not terrible. The leftover pie has called my name one too many times, but my weight is at least holding.

Friday was the last day in the contract I mentioned so many posts ago, and I obviously did not fulfill it. I lost a net amount of one whole pound. The contract called for 2 dollars per pound, so my mom gave me 2 bucks and then slapped me with the 75 dollar penalty.

I turned it into a positive though. We negotiated, and 20 dollars went to ordering some suspenders for myself (fat guys need them in certain situations) and another 55 went towards charity. http://www.childsplaycharity.org/

It's the charity started by http://www.penny-arcade.com/ . It's a good place to give some tangible help to people while still sitting on your ass. However, any charity is good this time of year. (well... any time of year, but the consumer frenzy of Christmas puts the spirit of the season into stark contrast.)

The entire family seems stressed right now, for reasons that I hope become known to me soon. This could make it more rough a time to change 13 years of habits, but there's no choice anymore.

This blog needs to continue to be the voice in the back of my head that asks if I need another piece of pizza, if I need to order a soda, if I've moved physically in the last 6 hours, if the stress of my job and other issues can't be addressed in some manner.

Quote from somewhere... paraphrased:

Be kind, and patient. Everyone needs understanding, because everyone is fighting some kind of battle, publicly or privately.

Current Weight : 298 pounds (estimated)

Day 14

Not alot went on today, I worked the overnight shift from 12am-8am today, and then slept from 9am-5pm...

The overnight shifts not only confuse one's sleep schedule, but eating as well. I'm also stressing out for a variety of reasons and trying not to deal with that by munching on random things. My weight fluctuation during the time of day is also interesting (...at least to me). I weighed 298 last night, then this morning when I got home from work I weighed 297 pounds, then when I woke up around 5pm I weighed 294 pounds. And then a few minutes ago, my current weight was 297 pounds. I suppose this has to do with when you eat and how your body is burning calories.

Normally when I'm frustrated/angry, or having issues with people, I tend to close off and back away. I can't do that this week, with friends coming into town, and its thanksgiving. It's like the perfect storm to just eat lots of delicious foods and ignore what I'm attempting to do here. Maybe its time to deal with all this in a more personally helpful manner.

All those maybes are starting to add up though.

Day 10, 11, 12, 13

I'm pissed off. I'm pissed off that in two weeks I've made few of the changes I wanted to start. I'm pissed off at certain people in my life, and at my job. Maybe I can turn that into some sort of motivation. It remains to be seen.

I should have posted sooner, but I either forgot or didn't have it in me. I did go walking on Thursday for about and hour and a half. I ate just OK the last 4 days, so as to keep my current weight.

I also realize that it'd be helpful if I could get some sort of counter to the side that shows my current weight. Not sure what type of gadget the Internet has for me to do that lazily.

This week is thanksgiving, and I'll have to decide how much I really want to eat and will have to deal with the usual shame of meeting people I haven't seen in awhile and them seeing I'm as fat as ever.

This was kind of an angry post, but that's what the last few days have been. Let's hope for positive news over the next week.

Current Weight: 298 pounds (late evening, normal clothes, no shoes)

Day 7, 8, 9

Why was nine afraid of seven? ....... Because seven eight nine!!!

I work during the day on Mondays and Tuesdays, so I tend to munch less. At work, my job is essentially a more technically competent security guard, so I stand up and stretch quite a bit, I think it helps.

My family is also trying to be healthier, there's no soda in the house, and far less munchies visible. That's another tip that all weight loss experts seem to give, hide the bad stuff, so you don't walk by and go "hey that sounds good." It's also just as much common sense to not buy it in the first place. But we fat people are creative, and it's possible to combine normal household foods into deadly calorie combinations, so it's still tough.

I'm supposed to finally go walking with a friend tomorrow, I hope that turns into a weekly thing. Good way to catch up and get some exercise.

I think our scale is broken, as my Current Weight: 293 pounds (mid-afternoon, no shoes) seems unreasonable considering I haven't done much different the last 3 days. I'll have to check it out later with family members.

Scale apparently is accurate: New Current Weight: 297 pounds (late evening, no shoes)

Day 5 and 6

Not much to post on. Health-wise, I ate just OK to terrible and didn't exercise this weekend. I work overnights on the weekend, and I tend to just be a bum for the hours I'm not at work. I think a few more posts like this, where I'm repeating the same laments and excuses, and I'll kind of realize it's lame beyond belief.

It's amazing how easy habits are to fall back into, thats why I'll never criticize someone for having problems quitting... say cigarettes. It's tough... obviously, if these things were so easy then people wouldn't have so many issues working through them.

I guess thats a good balance to try and strike in your mind. On the one hand you have to realize that losing a large amount of weight or quitting an addiction is difficult and takes time, but you have to not let it discourage you.

Most of these thoughts are not particularly original or mind blowing, but as I said a post or two ago, this blog is a much reminding me about the basics as anything. It's too easy to forget how tough this is going to continue to be, and too easy to let the little setbacks stop it all together.

Current Weight: 300 pounds (evening, same as before)

Day 4

Today was an obstacle day. A work party with a free buffet. A buffet usually equals, "eat lots of foods, many breads, and get some dessert." Luckily, when eating with a group of people I'm not comfortable around/don't know well, I tend to try to keep up some sort of image of an atypical fat guy. This means I ate 1 plate of sensible food, and some salad, no dessert, no soda. I also got in "exercise" with 2.5 hours of bowling, which I put in that column, because... well I stood the entire time. Think positive I believe, and maybe I'll make it through rough points.

However, as I'm not particularly satisfied with my job, these types of events tend to leave me angry/frustrated/etc. So when left a choice for dinner, I chose the easy path. I went to Wendy's... I'm not sure why, I have this blog on my mind a lot, and I knew I shouldn't, but went ahead anyway. Maybe it was comforting, maybe it's the ease that fast food brings, the rush of sugar and fat. Regardless, weak excuses, but that's what the blog is for, a reflective mirror.

The archetype of the hero always means he has to go through hell, maybe gain some powers/knowledge, and make his way out. A recurring theme throughout literary history, and hopefully it's not too pretentious to call this a similar journey, and I'm in my underworld right now.

Current Weight: 299 pounds (evening, normal clothes, no shoes)

Day Three

I'd prefer posting in the evening, to kind of sum up the day, but I'll be at a friend's house tonight, making it harder.

This also brings up issues all fat people have when starting diets and exercising: how to fit it around their schedules and the habits of others. We usually eat pretty terribly when we get friends together, pizza, wings, fast food, so what to do.

Well you can eat less during the day before the dinner, and make sure to eat less of the crappy food if its there, or you can try to influence what the group eats as best you can. I know this is common sense to thin people or people with good habits, but for many of us, we need to remind ourselves that even 2 slices of pizza is pushing it. I walked my dog earlier, to get my exercise for the day in, so that's taken care of.

One big thing to cut out while being with friends is soda, that feel good burn of carbonation and sugar is so easy to drink, and so easy to add weight with.

These little road bumps, eating with friends, "no time" to exercise, are some of the first obstacles that generally derail any attempts to lose weight. We rationalize ourselves out of them, and then decide "see we can't make it work" and stop.

Current Weight: 297 pounds (early afternoon, normal clothes, no shoes) will probably be 298 by the late evening.

Day One and Two

I began this with a contract. I signed it with my mom, that in one month's time I'd lose 12 pounds. Quite a bit of weight, but for an obese person, fairly easy to drop. The deal was to be paid 2 dollars per pound, and to lose it in a healthy manner. If I didn't meet these conditions, I would owe her 75 dollars.

It's 2 weeks in, and I gained 2 pounds. It's not looking like I'll fulfill this contract. In one of the usual attempts to make myself feel better about this, last night I went for a walk with some sprints thrown in. I ran up a short incline near our house, and was completely winded, with the hoarse breaths and coughs that signal overexertion. It was a wakeup call, of how far I'd let myself go. I always said if I made it to 300 pounds someone could shoot me... here I am, but I don't want to be shot. It's just rock bottom and its time to change.

I went for a second walk-sprint tonight. The goal now is to end the contract with enough weight loss to lessen the financial cost of my not taking the contract seriously.

Current Weight: 300 pounds (evening, normal clothes, no shoes)

Disclaimer

I am not an expert, I am not a doctor. I don't have any degrees that qualify me to give medical advice. This blog, more than anything, is a personal endeavour that I'm making public for motivational purposes. I don't expect many people will read it, but the fact that someone might, I hope will motivate me to continue on my journey.

My goal is to eat less, eat slightly better, and most importantly get more exercise. If you'd like to start losing weight yourself, always talk to your doctor, or medical professional. They can give you advice on how much weight you should be looking to lose, and realistic goals and options that can help you along the way.

- EM

The Background

I am 23 and a half years old. I am 5 foot 7 inches tall. I am approximately 300 pounds. I am obese.

I have been overweight, for as near as I can tell, 14 years of my life. I have attempted eating less, joining two different gyms, exercising on my own, exercising with a friend, eating healthier, and avoiding responsibility. None of these attempts have come from a full-hearted need to be healthier.

I have endured the general teasing, the outright namecalling, but more often the passive behaviors. Ignoring my presense, the "ewwws" when someone knows I like them, the whispers, the "jokes", the entire football team high fiving me with force, the waterballoons hitting me as I walk to the bus-stop. But I never believed that it most of it was a result of my weight, I think the quiet guy is just an easy target.

I have an image of body and self that is generally positive, but dips into depression on a regular basis. I have felt the pain every person feels when they're left out, ignored, or lonely. I have found solace in food for these emotions, for boredom, for protection.

I have wasted my athletic gifts, by ignoring them, by not using them, by limiting them because I weigh so much. I have never known what its like to run up a single set of stairs and not be winded.

I have let down myself, and everyone who always encouraged me to fight my problems. They may not always have gone about it in a gentle manner, but they cared enough to fight for me. I now need to fight for myself.

I am tired of the cyclical longing and aborted attempts that every fat person knows. To break out of our cycles, to stop questioniong whether we can ever be someone truly content with our bodies.

I have no belief that weight-loss will solve all my problems, but I do believe it will help me on my way.

I need this blog as a reminder that my goal weight for now is 200 pounds.

That means I have to lose one-third of myself, but gain so much more.