It's been like two weeks, and looking at the archives, about a months worth of "nothings changing, i keep forgetting to post, blah blah blah".
So it turns out while algebra is easy, it's even easier to avoid algebra all together.
I got yelled at tonight, for getting angry at being told I need to lose weight. I know the yelling is from frustration of a decade of me doing nothing to lose weight, but yelling at me and telling me the same things I know isn't motivating.
Instead, in some sort of juvenile rebellious attempt, that really is just an excuse, I demotivate myself, get into my own head and focus on the anger instead of making changes.
The apex or the trench of this journey is that I need this problem to be made my own. I need to grab it, and for no other reason than myself, make it happen. And I can't do it, its not easy, so I give up or wait till tomorrow.
The next day.
The next day.
The next day.
The next day.
The next day.
and The next day never comes.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
Days 31-37: The Slide
Reboot.
Not really, I actually thought it had been longer since I posted. Regardless, I came to a conclusion tonight, as I forced myself to walk on our treadmill for 30 min, for the first time.
I realized there's no risk anymore. There is no risk in attempting the goal of losing weight and getting healthier. I can't fail anymore than I already have. I can't feel any worse about the small failures that come with weight loss. I can't lose by trying.
I can only continue patterns. I finally see mine more clearly tonight. Starting sometime, years and years ago. the pattern began. I get frustrated with the limitations of my weight. The physical problems for anything more than a basic task. The lack of confidence, the skittish anxiety of going out and being social. These all add up, and I decide "today's the day". I go through the motions, I start walking, I set up a contract to lose weight, I start a blog, all attempts to motivate. The days set in, and the stress mounts, from many parts of life. I seize on this, and "take a break" or "relax the standards I set" and the slide begins. I fudge on exercising, I have another soda. I have an extra piece of toast/butter. I munch late at night when no ones around. I justify the next day will reverse the changes. The slide continues. I reach a point of acceptance, and revert to old habits. Never huge 12 egg breakfasts or two biggie sized combos. But the sedentary lifestyle, the snacking, the breads, the mini treats, the fast foods. And once acceptance is reached; I shift down (or up?) another tier. I've gained 12 pounds. And the pounds will stick.
The plateau after the slide, ironically, is where I'm not trying to lose weight specifically, or ignoring my problems. I consistently weigh the same, and will continue to do so until the next cycle, and another slide hits. The "slide of shame" if you like terrible alliterative phrases that sell self-help books and DVDs.
I finally recognized the slide as the contributing factor, as much as the plateau. I finally saw, and I think the blog is actually what did it. I've weighed nearly the same for over a month, with 1-2 pound fluctuations. I stopped writing here, I began to have another soda, or two or three, I ate pizza and requested fast food. I started to have extra meals, or have a meal, then grab something else to munch on... right after I ate. I started to eat after most everyone was asleep, I started to not care whether I had hit the artificial 300 pound mark. All in the last week.
The self-indulged elegance of losing one-third of myself IS an artificial cap, because the caps don't matter. It's the choices I intend to make. If I was truly ready to make them at 250 pounds, I would have.
I believe that while nothing is "going how I'd like it" right now; I have something to pursue with no excuses. I can lose weight because I have complete control over gaining weight. There is no medical reason, no financial reason, no "barrier of entry" to get past, no person not recognizing some talent I have. It's all me. It's all what I eat, when I eat it, and how much I move.
The equation is simple, controllable, and well within my grasp.
I just have to solve for x, and basic algebra is pretty easy.
Current weight: 299.6 pounds
Not really, I actually thought it had been longer since I posted. Regardless, I came to a conclusion tonight, as I forced myself to walk on our treadmill for 30 min, for the first time.
I realized there's no risk anymore. There is no risk in attempting the goal of losing weight and getting healthier. I can't fail anymore than I already have. I can't feel any worse about the small failures that come with weight loss. I can't lose by trying.
I can only continue patterns. I finally see mine more clearly tonight. Starting sometime, years and years ago. the pattern began. I get frustrated with the limitations of my weight. The physical problems for anything more than a basic task. The lack of confidence, the skittish anxiety of going out and being social. These all add up, and I decide "today's the day". I go through the motions, I start walking, I set up a contract to lose weight, I start a blog, all attempts to motivate. The days set in, and the stress mounts, from many parts of life. I seize on this, and "take a break" or "relax the standards I set" and the slide begins. I fudge on exercising, I have another soda. I have an extra piece of toast/butter. I munch late at night when no ones around. I justify the next day will reverse the changes. The slide continues. I reach a point of acceptance, and revert to old habits. Never huge 12 egg breakfasts or two biggie sized combos. But the sedentary lifestyle, the snacking, the breads, the mini treats, the fast foods. And once acceptance is reached; I shift down (or up?) another tier. I've gained 12 pounds. And the pounds will stick.
The plateau after the slide, ironically, is where I'm not trying to lose weight specifically, or ignoring my problems. I consistently weigh the same, and will continue to do so until the next cycle, and another slide hits. The "slide of shame" if you like terrible alliterative phrases that sell self-help books and DVDs.
I finally recognized the slide as the contributing factor, as much as the plateau. I finally saw, and I think the blog is actually what did it. I've weighed nearly the same for over a month, with 1-2 pound fluctuations. I stopped writing here, I began to have another soda, or two or three, I ate pizza and requested fast food. I started to have extra meals, or have a meal, then grab something else to munch on... right after I ate. I started to eat after most everyone was asleep, I started to not care whether I had hit the artificial 300 pound mark. All in the last week.
The self-indulged elegance of losing one-third of myself IS an artificial cap, because the caps don't matter. It's the choices I intend to make. If I was truly ready to make them at 250 pounds, I would have.
I believe that while nothing is "going how I'd like it" right now; I have something to pursue with no excuses. I can lose weight because I have complete control over gaining weight. There is no medical reason, no financial reason, no "barrier of entry" to get past, no person not recognizing some talent I have. It's all me. It's all what I eat, when I eat it, and how much I move.
The equation is simple, controllable, and well within my grasp.
I just have to solve for x, and basic algebra is pretty easy.
Current weight: 299.6 pounds
Friday, December 7, 2007
Day 26, 27, 28, 29, 30
Whew, almost a week and no post. I'm sick as of now, and headed into work. I'll post again sometime this weekend.
Current Weight: Unknown
Current Weight: Unknown
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Day 23, 24, 25
We bought a treadmill years ago, and in one of my many flights of fancy I'd said I'd use it all the time. HAH.
It lay dormant for quite awhile, and now has be resurrected. We got it fixed/tuned up.But the cruel sisters of fate intervened and stuck a knife into my back. Maybe irony? The weight limit is 250 pounds.... and I weight 298. The person who needs it most, technically shouldn't use it.
We're disregarding the manual's "precious rules", and figure average walking speed shouldn't hurt the machine too much.
There's not much excuse now, a way to exercise privately, is literally 4 feet from the TV.
The only other news to report is that my place of work is a breeding ground for 24-48 hour colds. Everyone has to touch everything, its tough to disinfect electronics, and its not a job you can call in sick for unless you're deathly ill. The same colds just get passed around for weeks... I'm thinking a healthier body might help me fend off the invaders, here's hoping for that.
Current Weight: 298 pounds (no shoes, normal clothes, early evening)
It lay dormant for quite awhile, and now has be resurrected. We got it fixed/tuned up.But the cruel sisters of fate intervened and stuck a knife into my back. Maybe irony? The weight limit is 250 pounds.... and I weight 298. The person who needs it most, technically shouldn't use it.
We're disregarding the manual's "precious rules", and figure average walking speed shouldn't hurt the machine too much.
There's not much excuse now, a way to exercise privately, is literally 4 feet from the TV.
The only other news to report is that my place of work is a breeding ground for 24-48 hour colds. Everyone has to touch everything, its tough to disinfect electronics, and its not a job you can call in sick for unless you're deathly ill. The same colds just get passed around for weeks... I'm thinking a healthier body might help me fend off the invaders, here's hoping for that.
Current Weight: 298 pounds (no shoes, normal clothes, early evening)
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