The Background

I am 23 and a half years old. I am 5 foot 7 inches tall. I am approximately 300 pounds. I am obese.

I have been overweight, for as near as I can tell, 14 years of my life. I have attempted eating less, joining two different gyms, exercising on my own, exercising with a friend, eating healthier, and avoiding responsibility. None of these attempts have come from a full-hearted need to be healthier.

I have endured the general teasing, the outright namecalling, but more often the passive behaviors. Ignoring my presense, the "ewwws" when someone knows I like them, the whispers, the "jokes", the entire football team high fiving me with force, the waterballoons hitting me as I walk to the bus-stop. But I never believed that it most of it was a result of my weight, I think the quiet guy is just an easy target.

I have an image of body and self that is generally positive, but dips into depression on a regular basis. I have felt the pain every person feels when they're left out, ignored, or lonely. I have found solace in food for these emotions, for boredom, for protection.

I have wasted my athletic gifts, by ignoring them, by not using them, by limiting them because I weigh so much. I have never known what its like to run up a single set of stairs and not be winded.

I have let down myself, and everyone who always encouraged me to fight my problems. They may not always have gone about it in a gentle manner, but they cared enough to fight for me. I now need to fight for myself.

I am tired of the cyclical longing and aborted attempts that every fat person knows. To break out of our cycles, to stop questioniong whether we can ever be someone truly content with our bodies.

I have no belief that weight-loss will solve all my problems, but I do believe it will help me on my way.

I need this blog as a reminder that my goal weight for now is 200 pounds.

That means I have to lose one-third of myself, but gain so much more.